From Self-Sabotage to Surrender: My Ongoing Fight to Heal

Let me take a deep breath.
It’s time to stop chasing, collecting, and thinking my way out of starting.

For two years, I’ve been going in circles. No one’s been holding me back but me. Self-sabotage has been my biggest enemy — my most familiar habit. At this point, there’s nowhere left to go but up.

But don’t get it twisted — that doesn’t make it easy, clear, or any less scary.

Still, here I am...
I’ve begun the journey to heal, grow, and discover who I really am.

And my beginning?
It started with surrender.

I had to give in. Let go.
Let go of ALL my anger.
Let go of the illusion of control.
Let go of the belief that I had to have everything figured out to move forward.

I’ve come to see that there’s beauty in imperfection.
When I started bringing my wounds into the light, I began to control my desires — the ones that only fed my pain. I started seeing the difference between my cravings and my true needs, my real dreams.

For the first time in forever, I’m on a search to feel whole. To truly see me.
Because honestly?
I haven’t seen myself in a long time — but I’m digging in.

And I’m not just writing this for me.
I’m reaching out to others like me — those stuck in cycles, battling demons in silence.

If that’s you, I appeal to your kindness, your fight, your tired but still-beating heart.

Here, you’ll find raw truths. Discovery. Tools to help you heal, learn, and grow. We’re climbing together — out of the darkness, off our rock bottoms, and into the light.

It takes a village, but it starts with self.

We’re all just trying to be our best HUMAN — flawed, growing, real.

At IT Matterz, you’ll read blogs written with heart, pain, and joy. You’ll find journals, prompts, workbooks, workshops, products that uplift — and a community that sees you.

Because I know what it’s like.
All my life, I’ve battled demons — day and night. My soul’s been tired.
I’ve begged for God to fill me with His fire, to burn bright enough to push back the dark.

I spent years running from my trauma, diving to the bottom of bottles, searching for love where it didn’t exist. I tried to replace it with vices. But the truth? I just kept drowning.

Those demons?
They are not my friends.
They tried to drown me in my own sin.

I’ve asked God:
When does it end?
I don’t want to get lost again.

So, I pray — take me as I am.
I’ve been searching for something different. I’ve lacked drive. I’ve lacked ambition.

But if the Lord is the key —
Then God, go ahead and turn the ignition.

Because I’m still here.
I’m still walking. Still climbing. Still praying.

And yet, the highs and lows — they keep coming.
Some days, I’m stuck in my head again. It rises up unexpectedly, leaks into my purpose, tries to distract me from the mission I know I’ve been given.

The enemy knows what we’re capable of — knows the people we can reach, the lives we can impact.

Even when you’re filled with the Spirit, which doesn’t mean it’s easy.
The storm still rages.

I’m trying to cope. Trying to keep it together.
But I’m learning — I’m not supposed to do this alone.
God is the prescription.
I just have to take it.

Still, I struggle.
I smile when I want to scream. I stay silent when people ask if I’m okay. I put my phone down instead of reaching out because it’s hard to talk about the things I bury deep.

I know the cycle. I feel the pressure when the storm is rising.
My emotions — a roller coaster.
But I pray. I stay focused. I stay patient.

Some days, I don’t know what I’m aiming for.
But I walk in faith.
I know God is the truth. I know He’s alive. I know there’s only one way — and that’s enough for me.

So, I pray again:
God, cover me. Calm my anxious thoughts. Slow me down when my mind is too active. Remind me that I don’t have to bury it — I don’t have to defend it.

Because yes, I’m still in the cycle.
I feel it coming sometimes — I just don’t know where or when. But I refuse to get lost in it again.

This is just the beginning.
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You’re not alone. Let’s grow together.

 you’re reading this and you’ve felt the same — I see you. I am you.

Let’s climb together.

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✨ Did this speak to you?

Drop a comment below and let me know your thoughts, your story, or just say “I feel this.”

And if you’re ready to go deeper on this journey with me —
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